Runtime: 1 hour, 39 minutes (supposedly)
Rating: PG-13
Director: Jon M. Chu
Quick Impressions:
This movie is only one hour and thirty-nine minutes long? How is that possible? It feels like it lasts well over two hours! By the end, you can feel the audience half hoping that the Cobra plan will succeed just to move things along, so we can all just go home already!
Honestly my family enjoyed the first G.I. Joe, but this installment is even better (despite the dragging ending). It’s not deep or complex or the kind of movie that makes you think, “I’m so glad that I’m an adult who has cultivated my intellect so that I can appreciate fine cinema!” Basically, it’s like a live-action version of a well-plotted cartoon. But with fresh popcorn and a frozen drink, that’s good enough, right? It’s better than Die Hard 5 (which I would not have predicted last year).
Also, I’m hoping that Retaliation starts a new trend. It’s only the first week of April, and I’ve already seen two movies this year where Channing Tatum dies in the opening act. Nothing against Channing Tatum, but if I were him, I’d make a career of it. (I know he already has a better career as a leading man, but wouldn’t being the guy who seems to be the lead but dies half an hour in be an awesome cinematic legacy?) Even better, let’s throw a phone number up on the screen after the first thirty minutes of a movie, and if the leading man isn’t getting the job done, the audience can text in and vote to replace him with the Rock. That’s sounds fun. As gimmicks go, I think it’s better than 3D! (And if we want to make things really extreme, the rejected lead could then be fed to lions…or zombies! (The audience could text in their vote on that, too!))
The Good:
Even though I love an exciting summer “popcorn movie” and enjoy big budget action adventures, I’m not big on long, mindless, noisy action scenes. Though my stepson loved it, Battleship was pretty much a nightmare for me, and I went to this movie prepared to sit through something similarly loud and sense-assaulting with minimal plot and lots of mindless action.
Much to my (pleasant) surprise, however, G.I. Joe is plot driven. At moments it even makes gestures at being character driven (though ultimately it’s not). Of course, there is plenty of action, but the action is not mindless. The story is actually perfectly coherent and surprisingly strong for a movie of this kind. To be honest, I thought this had a better story than the last two Transformers films. In some ways, Retaliation is downright old fashioned. It doesn’t rush anything, and none of the action happens in a quick blaze for no reason. It really takes its time and tells its story from start to finish. The pacing is refreshingly non-frantic (in fact, towards the end, it actually becomes too slow).
The new cast is pretty good, and the returning cast also does a good job. Replacing practically the entire cast without commenting on it is an unusual choice. (Really, I’m not sure why they felt that was necessary. Yes, the first movie had some glaring weaknesses, but the cast was not one of them.) To the movie’s credit, the new characters all seem vaguely familiar. As I watched, of course, I knew that Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis were new, but I honestly could not remember if Adrianne Palicki and D.J. Cotrona were in the original movie or not. (They weren’t.) Palicki gets a nice little backstory that actually made me shed a few tears in the end (though I’m deeply ashamed of that. I cry far too easily. Sometimes commercials move me to tears. I probably need to see a doctor).
Jonathan Pryce is really fantastic as the president and “the president.” He really throws himself into the role and delivers his lines with so much verve that you admire his bravery (because, really, they’re terrible lines with the exception of the cute and entirely inoffensive Fox News joke. This movie has a good story but rotten dialogue.) I’m confused about Arnold Vosloo. Does he do anything to contribute to the president role? I don’t think so, but that means his only scene is pretty brief and still involves a prosthetic.
When the movie was pushed from its original late summer 2012 release date, rumor had it that Channing Tatum’s part was being beefed up. I later heard that wasn’t actually true, but secretly, I still think it was because so many of the scenes with Duke at the beginning of the movie feel superfluous as far as the plot goes. They are great, however, for providing opportunities to admire Channing Tatum, who is charming as ever.
Speaking of guys cast for their sex appeal, the movie really panders to people who have a thing for Dwayne Johnson by showing Roadblock with his two adorable children who apparently take care of themselves while he’s off at war because there’s no hint of a significant other anywhere. One of his daughters is played by Skai Jackson, the cute little girl on the Disney Channel Show Jessie. The other is named Corinne Massiah. I don’t know her, but she’s cute, too. The message seems to be, Yes, he’s strong, handsome, courageous, a great dad who makes beautiful kids, and he’s 100 percent available. Close your eyes ladies (and gentlemen, if you’re so inclined) and pretend that he’s your husband. I can think of no other reason to show only the children. He doesn’t even mention an unseen wife. It’s kind of ridiculous. Still, he’s good in the role. (It helps that he looks like someone who might be nicknamed Roadblock.)
Bruce Willis has a fun part. As with everyone, his lines aren’t exactly great, but he delivers them well and makes a nice addition to the cast.
Best Scene:
Who doesn’t love ziplining ninjas? The Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow subplot is by far my favorite element of the G.I. Joe universe, and that story gets quite a bit of screentime in this installment. Clearly I’m not the only one in love with that storyline because Ray Park and Byung-hun Lee actually return to reprise their roles as Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, and we even get a bonus female Ninja, Storm Shadow’s law-abiding cousin, Jinx (Elodie Yung). Retaliation really goes all out. This time, even RZA is a Ninja, and we spend lots of time up in the mountains where magical old women can heal third-degree burns with quick drying magic goop, and all the bad ninjas wear red and carry grappling guns in case their enemies try to flee by zipline. No kidding, the scenes where Snake Eyes and Jinx go after Storm Shadow are the best part of the movie. In fact, this part is so fun to watch that when it ends and we return to the main plot, it’s kind of a letdown from which the film never really recovers.
Best Action Sequence:
The prison break scene is pretty gripping. Maybe they’ll give Storm Shadow his own spinoff. I’d definitely buy a ticket. I like Walton Goggins, too. He’s kind of hamming it up as the warden, but with dialogue like the script provides, hamming it up is probably best.
There was also one moment when much of the audience—and several young voices in particular—kept reacting in delight, but I can’t remember when that happened. Maybe when you see the movie, it will happen again, and then you’ll know.
Best Scene Visually:
Both the ziplining ninja escapades and the prison break scene look fantastic. And Adrianne Palicki certainly knows how to wear her red dress. One touch that I found really captivating were the fireflies. Ordinary fireflies are fascinating. These are explosive! Oh, and I also really loved the scene (shown in previews) when Cobra flags suddenly drape the White House. The Cobra flag is so dramatic.
Funniest Scene:
If you don’t count the cameo by James Carville—that made me laugh simply because James Carville delights me—then by far the funniest scene comes when General Colton starts to show everyone the hidden wonders of his house. At first, it’s like, Hmm. And then, it’s like, Come on? Really? And then you just have to laugh. It’s like Sideshow Bob stepping on the rakes on The Simpsons. There’s really no reason the scene should be as funny as it is, but he just keeps it up for so long that finally you have to smile at the sheer absurdity. And you can tell Bruce Willis is having a good time. As my stepson noted, “It makes you wonder about your grandpas!” (And pay attention to the code he enters, too.)
The Negatives:
Believe it or not, I spent the first ten minutes or so of this movie composing a poem in my head about my role in society and how different my world would be if I were the real-life equivalent of Channing Tatum’s Duke. I forgot it all, of course, which is for the best. The point is, as the movie began, I thought, I know nothing about military life.
About halfway through, I realized, And I’m in good company. This movie is not about the actual military. It is very clearly childlike in its perspective. You have a bunch of heroes fighting a bunch of villains. The heroes are all attractive, buff, and almost naïvely good through-and-through. The villains are all unspeakably (sometimes even illogically) evil. (The only possible exceptions to this might be Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. They’re a little more complex—funny when you consider that they’re two ideologically opposed ninjas who wear black and white respectively.) This isn’t a “grown up” movie about sophisticated ideas with a realistic view of (or sneak peek into) military operations. It’s a movie based on a children’s cartoon, and in spirit it stays faithful to its origins. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s something to be aware of going in.
The story is very simple. Except for the tormented ninjas, all the characters are pretty simple, too, not the most complex crowd. For the most part, the primary goal of the evil characters is simply being evil. (These schemes always work best because nobody is expecting them.)
You could, of course, complain about plot holes, or—as would be more accurate—unanswered questions. How do the characters always seem to know the most important stuff (or people) at the most crucial times? (That’s a vague way of pointing out an issue that comes up again and again and again.) It’s like a cartoon. Everyone just shows up where they’re needed at the most dramatic moment possible. The only way it would be any more like a cartoon is if everyone wore the same outfit all the time (which, come to think of it, is true for most of the movie).
Also, as I’ve said a million times by now, I’m sure, though the story is pretty good for what it is, the dialogue is awful. It’s not laughably bad. It’s just not good. This may sound strange, but I actually think if it were a little worse, it might be more enjoyable (because you could mock it). Jonathan Pryce really wants his lines to be good. He delivers almost every single one of them as if he’s giving voice to the best zingers and most memorable sentiments ever written, and sometimes his panache is enough carry the day (but usually, it’s not). He really is very good in the disarmament scene, however.
The other thing I’ve already mentioned is that the movie is too long. Now fandango claims this movie is only 1 hour and 39 minutes long, and I believed that at the beginning of this review, though I found it incredible. It’s worth mentioning, however, that imdb gives the time as 110 minutes, a full eleven minutes longer. I went to Rotten Tomatoes for a tie-breaker. They say it’s 1 hour and 30 minutes. There’s no point in looking further. However long this movie lasts—and clearly, it spent a long time in editing—it feels a good fifteen minutes too long. A large part of the problem is probably that Cobra’s whole scheme is so dastardly that it’s kind of goofy. When Cobra Commander reveals his endgame, it’s a bit disappointing. A lot of the narrative tension just vanishes. (It also may be worth mentioning that the G.I. Joes’ “plan” is not so much a plan as it is a reenactment of the end of the Matrix minus the trench coats and plus some cool vehicles and Bruce Willis.)
And here’s another thing that bothered me. In the end, everything goes from totally out of control to completely okay again—except that Cobra has already managed to cause a significant amount of damage that can’t be reversed and would certainly affect a large part of the world economically. I don’t know if I’m game for G.I. Joe 3 after that. I don’t think I can bear to live in that world.
Overall:
G.I. Joe: Retaliation feels like a live action cartoon, and for the most part, that’s a good thing. It’s definitely a great movie for kids. In this case, I don’t understand the PG-13 rating because it’s really pretty tame, and the audience was full of kids who very vocally enjoyed the whole thing. It’s not a serious movie, but it does actually have a coherent (if silly) plot, likable (if simple) characters, and a pretty awesome interlude with high-altitude, ziplining ninjas that is worth the price of admission all by itself.
So even though it’s neither a sophisticated nor a cerebral film, G.I. Joe is a pretty good popcorn flick, especially for families with kids fascinated by the military. My daughter (who was tired) fell asleep through most of the movie, but my ten-year-old stepson, my husband, and I all enjoyed watching it. So now you know. And knowing is half the battle. (Go Joe!)