17.) Dark Shadows (C+)
What I Liked:
Johnny Depp as vampire Barnabas Collins, Michelle Pfeiffer as soapy Elizabeth, the spectacular 1970s soundtrack, and the spooktacular visual atmosphere all get an A++. (And yet the movie gets a C+. Do I even need to mention how badly the film falters in terms of plot, pacing, story development?)
The scene that plays during the opening credits, showing the stunning Bella Heathcote arriving at Collinswood is so powerful that I’ve caught myself belting out, “Cause I love you! Yes, I love you! Oh how I love you!” at seemingly random times during family drives and taking everyone else by surprise.
Johnny Depp is fantastic as Barnabas. As you might expect, he fully commits to the role and seems to revel in playing a character who obviously means something to him. The final scene leaves the door wide open for a sequel. I hope there’s one coming and that it has a stronger script.
What I Didn’t Like:
There’s really no point in droning on and on about it. The script is terrible. Period. Dark Shadows features convoluted plot elements, poor pacing, and an ending both illogical and yet somehow predictable.
Another problem—Dark Shadows squanders its talented cast. Most actors have weak lines to work with and basically absent character arcs. I feel like I can only convey the enormity of the script’s failures by emphasizing that without these flaws in the balance, the film’s strengths could have earned it an A+ on my scale.
Oh, and Eva Green’s accident just didn’t work for me. As I said in my review, she “sounded like a French child who was kidnapped at a young age by a family of lumberjacks obsessed with John Wayne.” Maybe a better dialect coach would have helped.
18.) Snow White and the Huntsman (C)
What I Liked:
Powerful visuals make this movie worth watching. Charlize Theron (decked out in the world’s most stunning Wicked Queen regalia) is, of course, one of them.
Unfortunately, powerful visuals are the movie’s only strong point. The thing is, the visuals are so impressive that you don’t feel cheated out of the price of admission. Costume designer Colleen Atwood outdoes herself. (Fun fact: She was also the costume designer for Dark Shadows. Maybe she’s expensive, and after hiring her, there’s no money left for a decent screenwriter.) We have Atwood to thank for those dramatic, flamboyant fairy tale costumes, and, I suppose, God to thank for Charlize Theron who wears them so well.
The visuals are so effective that they actually tell the story by themselves. Maybe depth is
overrated.
What I Didn’t Like:
Then again, maybe it’s not. This might be better as a silent movie. Imagine it without sound. What atmosphere! What costumes! What dramatic landscapes! And we already know the major players who can be easily distinguished by sight. (Nobody’s going to mistake Snow White for the Queen, and it’s easy to recognize the huntsman. He’s the guy walking around with an axe.) Unfortunately, turning on the sound adds nothing. In fact, the disappointing dialogue often detracts from the power of the moving images.
Perhaps the biggest problem is that the movie makes no effort to explain or define the world of the story. (We seem to be in a fantasy realm, or another age, yet Snow White recites “The Lord’s Prayer,” strange since nobody else in the movie seems aware of Christianity.)
The film just assumes that we all understand how everything works, and since appearance is everything here, we kind of do. Often the movie feels oddly familiar, like the director took scenes from his favorite films and crammed them all into his own project. It also sometimes seems like a music video that got carried away. And one time—specifically when Snow White stumbled on a convenient white horse on the beach—it reminded me pointedly of the cover of a Trapper Keeper I once admired in the late 1980s. (But my mom wouldn’t buy it for me. Where was my fairy tale ending?)
With such captivating visuals and potentially emotionally resonant material, Snow White and the Huntsman could have been a cinematic fantasy masterpiece. If only it had something going on beneath the surface!
19.) Rock of Ages (C-)
What I Liked:
The music is phenomenal. (I’ll bet it would be terrific paired with the silent images from Snow White and the Huntsman which already has an 80’s fantasy feel.) If you’re a huge fan of 80’s hair bands, then you’ll definitely want to pick a theater with good sound and have fun singing along. The supporting cast is really pretty engaging. A mix of strong actors (Paul Giamatti) and strong singers (Mary J. Blige) fill in the cracks and make Rock of Ages that much stronger.
Relative newcomer Diego Boneta has a lot of talent, and it’s pretty hard not to smile at Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, and Catherine Zeta-Jones (who may be a bit over the top but at least works for her share of the applause).
If you’re not a fan of the music, there’s one compelling reason to see this movie: Tom Cruise. His committed performance as bizarre rock star Stacee Jaxx is the highlight of the movie, and he and Malin Ackerman share a couple of scenes that you won’t be able to look away from. Cruise isn’t the only one with true talent, of course. (The girls playing pole dancers must have been lured away from Cirque du Soleil!) But his Stacee Jaxx character is what works best in the movie.
What I Didn’t Like:
I think Julianne Hough is distractingly miscast. Of course, I’m not a fan of her singing style, so others may feel differently. She definitely has the right look for the part of Sherrie, but I’m not sure she has the acting or singing chops to pull off a lead role. Also, Drew and Sherrie are such bland characters. Why make them the protagonists? Why not sideline them and focus on struggle to save the Bourbon Room (already the spot that brings everyone together)? Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand are quite entertaining as Dennis and Lonny, and I think focusing on their struggles to keep their club open would have made a more gripping story. The young lovers should have been a subplot.
When I first watched the movie, I thought that what Drew wrongly suspected of Sherrie should have been true. I have since learned that in the Broadway show, it is true. Why change it? This movie appeals mostly to people old enough to remember rocking out to the all the songs in the soundtrack back when they were new. Why bother with a PG-13 rating? Just make the movie R-rated and please the audience you have instead of reaching out (blindly) to an audience that isn’t even interested. The story is really, really weak, and it didn’t have to be. A stronger storyline already existed and was, bafflingly, abandoned.
But the biggest problem with Rock of Ages is that the beginning just isn’t good. Nothing that happens matters, and the things that would matter don’t happen. Once Tom Cruise arrives, things do pick up. But that takes about forty minutes. Just so you know.
20.) Battleship (F)
Why I Didn’t Like It:
This movie taught me two very valuable lessons: 1.) If you’re ever put in command of a battleship and sent on a dangerous mission, always take Rihanna 2.) If you’re given the option of (a) watching the movie Battleship or (b) doing battle with aliens on an actual battleship, always choose (b). Trust me, option (b) will be less noisy and lots more fun even if you are tortured, probed, and/or killed by the aliens. (And don’t forget to take Rihanna. Trust me. You can thank me later.)
This movie should have been called Explosions! I’ve never seen so many non-stop explosions in a movie. Never. With all those explosions going on, you can’t hear anything for about ninety minutes at a time, and that’s for the best.
Though I have nothing against Taylor Kitsch, as scripted, Alex Hopper is a moron who succeeds only because Fate has a cruel sense of humor. At one point, when being dressed down by Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson), disgraced sailor Hopper completes an obscure quotation and attributes it to Homer. Neeson (who is, incidentally, in the movie for about five minutes) grumbles, “It makes me so angry that you know that.” Imagine how angry the aliens will be when they find out more about the guy who foiled their plans! Meanwhile, Brooklyn Decker looks angry all the time, though, to me it seems that the wounded veteran she spends all her time annoying has more of a right to be upset. (By the way, I had no complaints about the performance of real-life bilateral amputee and active duty soldier Gregory D. Gadson, perhaps the only sympathetic character in the movie.) (Well, Rihanna and John Tui are okay, too.)
Why You Might Like It:
Maybe you like explosions. My stepson is a creative and thoughtful nine-year-old boy who dreams of future military glory, and this was one of his favorite
movies of the summer.
I will admit that the scene after the credits had some potential. Perhaps with a better script, a sequel could work. Also, fans of the board game will smile at the way the movie pays homage to its origins. Seeing the veterans honored is also nice. The tribute is a little cheesy, sure, but the patriotism is commendable, and it’s nice to see these men on screen. If only someone had written a better movie around them. Still, if you’re looking for non-stop explosions, you’re never going to do any better than Battleship (I hope).
Boom! (If this were a video of me reviewing the movie, I’d take a hit from a battleship here and go out in a giant, fiery explosion, so just imagine that.)